The uk-poly@bi.org mailing list

What is the list used for?

We use the list to talk about our lives in relation to polyamory and to arrange real-life social meetups such as meals. Some may use it to find support, friends and people to help build a fledgeling poly community in UK.

What is polyamory and is the list for me?

There are various ways of doing polyamory and not everyone uses the same words for it. If you are an adult in loving and intimate relationships with more than one other adult with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved then this list may be for you. If you are open to being in polyamorous relationships but not currently in one, or if you are making the transition to polyamory from a different form of relationship structure than this list may also be for you.

The list is open to adults of all genders and sexualities.

There are other forms of non-monogamy:
Many people are involved with others without the knowledge of existing partners. Some people have moved from cheating into polyamory. You may find some support on the list to move from cheating into polyamory.

Some people have several recreational sexual partners. We tend to talk about all aspects of love, partnerships and relationships. If you are more interested in talking about swinging then there are other lists which might be more suitable for you. Some people are both polyamorous and have sex based friendships.

If you are looking for new partners this list isn't the place for personal ads. Instead we recommend OKCupid, Polymatchmaker or equivalent. If you find a good place to find poly partners, please let us know.

The list is for people who live in UK or who have a strong connection to UK - such as intending to move here, having partners here, or have lived in UK and retain links. At the discretion of those on the list European friends are welcome if you don't have an active list in your own country.

The list admin will pass on messages to the list from academics, journalists and other researchers who are not poly themselves so they can request participants for projects.

There are many languages used in UK. The current list administrator is only competent in English however so this will be the list language.

How open or closed is this list? Who gets to join and how is that decided?

The list administrator is Stephen Donaghy. With permission of those on the list this may be changed to a different person or to a team. Stephen had the power to control who joins etc. and generally wants his decisions to be as close to consensus as possible although he reserves the right to make quick decisions with possibility of reversing them later. There are other UK poly resources open so not having someone on list does not exclude them from contact with uk poly people.

The list is not archived publicly nor for list members.

There will be a web page about the list with information on how to join, what the procedure will be and whom to email to do so. Guidelines on what to and what not to include in an application to join the list will be included. This information may be accurately copied freely elsewhere. There may be a web form also. If someone emails the list admin, the same information will be given and the admin will attempt to answer any questions.

The list is open to members only.

It is preferable for each subscriber to the uk-poly mailing list to represent one person. Applications representing multiple people - couples, triads, tribes, families, etc. - will be accepted, but applicants may be asked to indicate why they feel it is necessary for them to subscribe as a group, rather than each as individuals. Pseudonyms are acceptable although we would prefer to know that a pseudonym is being used.

To become a member, someone needs to give the list admin an application to join the list. If this is well outside the guidelines the list admin may ask the applicant to re-apply but will also tell the applicant that the original application will be passed on to the list on request.

Applications will be forwarded to the uk-poly list for all current members to read and comment on. These applications are to be held to the same level of confidentiality as messages from members. List members ask the list administrator to contact the applicant for further information. Please note that asking for further information is likely to have the effect of some people withdrawing their application.

If after a few days we appear to have a clear consensus to allow the person onto the list with no objections then the administrator may add them. If not we leave at least one week for discussion and then make a decision by a vote open to all list members. A 75% or more majority of yes votes are required to accept an applicant. Voters may choose to show their votes to the list or just the list admin.

The list admin will inform applicants of the decision. If admission is refused they may re-apply after 3 months.

Previous members of the uk-poly list who were not removed as the result of breaking list rules, may rejoin at any time and must post a re-introduction message.

A list of the addresses currently on the list will be posted to the list on occasion by the list admin or on request. List membership may be shared with the site admins of bi.org for administration purposes. List membership will not be divulged elsewhere unless we are forced to.

What else is there for polyamorous people in UK?

See http://bi.org/uk-poly/polyuk.html

What are the list rules?

We have only asked people to leave a couple of times in about a decade and this has been for clear-cut reasons. Personal insults about other list members are not allowed. Feel free to disagree respectfully with others but personal attacks are not allowed. The list admin is willing to spend a little time to help mediate list disputes off list or help find others to do so.

We have few formal list rules and we hope as polyamorous people we will try to develop good communication skills in our relationships and extend those to polyamorous community. Please try to consider others on the list. Off-topic posts can help bring more depth to our on-line communications. They can also mean people find the list too noisy or busy or irrelevant to stay.

The list software is set up to reject posts from non-members, large attachments and posts that contain certain administration commands.

Many of the ways the list is run are compromises between opposing ideas. For example, making the joining procedure more rigorous might give a higher level or confidentiality but it would also put others off from joining the list. List rules can be changed (see options post) and we may decide that more than one community resource would be useful instead of trying to make the list all things for all people on it.

We aim for a level of confidentiality. Feel free to discuss ideas from the list but do not identify anyone on the list directly or implicitly or pass on their words elsewhere without their permission. Please be aware that unencrypted email is insecure and while we have a membership procedure it can be circumvented through deceit or by technical means. We have limited sanction in the case of this happening. If exposure would be particularly damaging to you, you may wish to use a more anonymous email address and/or a pseudonym.

Where does the uk-poly list run, who provided the resources?

The uk-poly email list is open to people of all genders and sexualities.
This list runs on the bi.org site, from the bisexual community, with thanks for free voluntary service and support to its founder and admins. The list is run by their goodwill and they or their Internet Service Provider have the power to shut it down meaning we would need to move elsewhere. List administration is also done on a voluntary basis and does take time and effort.

How do I join the list?

To join the list, send an email to the list admin with a short paragraph about who you are and why you want to join. Your application will be forwarded to the other list members and, assuming there are no objections, you will be added shortly after.
Please be aware, we recently had some difficulties with our email system and some applications were never received. If you applied to join the list but never received anything more than an automated response, please contact the list admin again.